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AT 1,19; "DONGEE CON"
BEEPER ABUSE: 1
CRAP FACTOR: 7
"For a limited time only, if you beat the game and send proof to the author, you could win... £623874834!!"
That's a heck of an opening offer and, although Yoshiatom has suspiciously neglected to include any kind of contact details in the game, I'm happy to mediate a conversation for anyone willing to take the challenge on!
The first thing that strikes me about this, after the vomit-inducing use of flash, magenta on green graphics and red on magenta text, is that Yoshi has managed to introduce ambiguity into something as basic as the spelling of the name of the game. I'm just not sure if the CSSCGC is ready for that level of evil genius?
This game was created in R Tape's Classic Games Designer (CGD) and comes with this years first Cassette Inlay which, if you squint, reveals more about this game's inspiration than you might guess after seeing the game itself.
You might argue that the original Atari/NES game wasn't much to look at, however, Yoshi has spent weeks crafting just the right combination of pixels (and let's not forget those attribute colour combinations) to make this look as awful as possible*. My personal favourite is the "damsel in distress" who's terrifyingly massive head could crush her simian kidnapper in seconds.
* Unless of course Yoshiatom isn't being secretly ironic, this is genuine artistic effort and I now look like a complete arse!
On to the game and, using Q, A, O and P, you guide your.. um.. man?.. across platforms and up ladders, avoiding the various baddies, in an effort to reach the aforementioned damsel thus completing the level.
Level one reveals two fundamental bugs/features which will aid you in your quest:
#1. Keep jumping on the lower plaftorms and the 'barrels' that Dongee has thrown at you will roll right under you. Also, thanks to a bug in which the barrels never travel back to the top of the screen, you're pretty quickly left with an easy climb to victory.
#2. Keep jumping in a more open area and you can, apparently, fly.
On to level two and all three of your lives are zapped away before you've even focussed on the screen. You start level one again cursing slowly under your breath - that £623 million quid isn't getting away that easily!
The trick here is to jump/fly immediately as the level starts so as to avoid the two baddies closing in on you. Following that is a difficult and arguably pot-luck-if-you-make-it climb in which you'll probably lose all your lives again several times over. Once you do manage it you can tag the girl and proceed to level three.
There are some invisible death traps and tricky platform-to-platform jumps on this level, however, these are rendered obsolete thanks to bug/feature #2 (above.) The biggest challenge, therefore, is avoiding the moving platforms and the one baddie at the top of the screen.
Unfortunately Princess Minecraft has obviously been talking to Maria from Jet Set Willy because, when you reach her, you'll find she refuses to let you on to the next level which brings the game to a suprisingly disappointing close.
Actually, now I think about it, I'm not sure if this is the end of the game and Yoshiatom now owes me pots and pots of cash!?
In the end I'm not sure who's more to blame - Yoshiatom for Dongee Con, or R Tape for creating the CGD? In the interest of fairness I'm going to post a steaming dog poo through both their letterboxes to show my appreciation.